Unforgettable in every way and forevermore that’s how you’ll stay

It’s funny to think how personal this blog has become. Indeed my first post was a pledge for a better lifestyle and yes very personal but I just wanted somewhere to publish the happenings of my fleeting youth. Somewhere to dream big and show everyone the progress of my life. But like you’ve noticed [only if you’ve been reading along], life for me at the moment is a series of curve balls. Blindsiding me again and again. Though I am not the only one the world throws fast ones at, I live alongside friends and family that too live through trials and tribulations.

And yesterday was a fuck of a day. No rest for the wicked. It started with the hard task of looking after two of the most beautiful girls in the world whilst pretty much being in a ‘house of glass’. They are ages Three to Six and are always full to the brim with excitement and joy - yet with every bout of fun they had was the possibility of their breaking something. Definitely a stressful place to be in for five hours but I guess I slept through two of them.

Meanwhile on the same day, the stress of my darling friends was nothing short of tenfold. They had to experience one of the hardest moments in anyone’s life and that was saying Good Bye to one of the most amazing men that I have ever met. Their father: Wiley Reed. Papa Reed was a man of soul and substance. He was an extremely talented musician and he struck the heart of every person that had the honour of being in his audience. Once he became your friend you were nothing short of being another member of the family. And from what I heard, he was the cutest father to boot. I was so glad to hear that during the week before his passing that his musician family of friends were there right until the end. Surrounding Wiley and his family with the love and support that they so needed and in their own unique way.

Papa Reed

The surrealism of his death still lingers and the heartstrings pulled are still yet to slacken but there is such a sense of celebration in the air. The only way to continue on with our lives with this sense of loss is to realise why this sense is striking. The only way to put it into words is that he who we lost was truly one of a kind. Wiley lead a remarkable life, with remarkable people and this we should celebrate.

It is so hard to lose someone you love dearly and to wish for the life they would have had in the future. Yet there is so much more happiness to be had when you reflect on the life that they left behind. Thank you Wiley [and Zofia ^_^] for sharing a part of your life and your music with me, I am truly grateful for what you both have given me.

Oh, the Noose, the Noose is up!

I had aspirations to write and post weekly on this blog of mine but as it shows I have been M.I.A for over a month. The truth is I have a mental disorder very commonly known to everyone as depression. Add anxiety to the mixture and then you have the full diagnosis of me, Stephanie Marie Mills.

When I started my venture upon this blog, I also started an adventure within myself. I wanted to be better as my first post proclaimed but it was “unforeseen circumstances” that led me down a deep and dark path. I don’t know if anyone actually cares enough to read on but here I am putting myself out there anyway.

Those unforeseen circumstances were night terrors or nightmares that I would have while I was sleeping. Whether it’d be during the day when I would have a quick nap or when I would finally reach my R.E.M for the night, they would happen every, time, I, fell, asleep. This lasted for almost two weeks and no sleep makes anyone go something something. And that’s how I ended up in the P.E.C otherwise known as the Psychiatric Emergency Centre. Now I am sure you understand the post title.

After that I spent 2 weeks in a Mental Health Ward, where there was a roll taken every 10-15minutes so that the nurses knew exactly where you were & what you were doing. It was difficult and overwhelming at first. A lot of people visited me and cried. It would be surreal every time I would realise where I was, especially if I was having fun at any stage. I met a lot of people there as well, young and old. All with simular struggles and battles so it wasn’t hard to share how you were feeling. This became an amazing breakthrough for me as in my family, & I’m sure for most, it is normal to keep them bottled up. So here I am spilling my guts to anyone that asks me how I’ve been & to them I actually reply “Rather shit actually, I only have just been discharged from a Mental Health Ward recently. How about you??” Though this might seem a bit too much, the wall has been broken and I cannot restrain myself.

I have even gone to the lengths of confronting my parents about everything and it was been unbelievably refreshing. The more I write this post the more I sound like a born again ‘insert religion here’ but I don’t know. It’s now just so different. My life is still in crisis mode at the moment but rebuilding blocks right now feels really exciting. Especially when I realise that I can choose who I want to be and where I want to go. Who I can love and how I want to love them. As a generation of the now, we no longer have to hide our passion. We can paste it all over the internet or if you’re a more of a rebel, wherever the hell you want. We have the upper hand so that the generation after us feels nothing but love. [I think this coincides with my first post hehe]

But when I said I sometimes had fun in hospital, I actually mean it. I got to venture into the nooks of my mind that I have always been too afraid to share. I began to draw and paint, I also started to learn how to play the Ukulele and I even dabble in a bit of singing. Along with meeting amazing people who could make you laugh even though we were all in a place that was for the “unhappy”.

I wrote this letter below for a few of my friends that were still in hospital while I was discharged but I thought I’d now share it with everyone. At the time... I felt quite profound.

I’m just writing to say that amongst all of this ‘madness’ that I am very grateful to have met you & I thank you for being a part of my gloomy adventure & listening to my not so happy stories (& also listening to me whine about how shit everything is). Having the common ground of having hard lives was definitely something that helped me open up about my troubles & that is why I’m thanking you. Though there will be a long time ahead of us before we are considerably “happy”. I am extending my arm & giving you these daisies saying, here, here is simple & happy. & I mean it when I say that.
(Watch the movie “Beginners”)

In our ward there was a garden bed which grew an abundance of greenery and amongst those there were daises. I had pressed them with the millions of magazines my kind loved ones sent me and I had put them in the letters.

The title of this post is a quote from “The Crucible”, a play that I read for my English class in high school. Though I felt this way when I something something, it is now a bridge I have burnt forever.

Rebel Girl you are the queen of my world !

A few nights ago my friends and I went to see a gig at Ric’s, a local bar in our city of Brisbane. There we saw an awesome all girl punk-rock band that go by the name of ‘Gunk’. They had a complete Riot Grrrl aesthetic going on, their set made me dance until I was sweating like an animal!

I had a great night all in all, especially when choosing what to wear. I decided to wear my Mum’s jumper from the 80’s, I think. I’ve always been afraid to wear the hand-me-down, worrying it would be far too hideous to match with anything I had. But I guess this time it worked! I also wore a cat skirt that I bought on eBay for maybe $8 including postage... I’m a bit of a bargain whore indeed.

Also that night got me thinking about that whole Pussy Riot ordeal and how awful it would feel to be imprisoned for having a voice and wanting it to be heard. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then here’s a quick rundown. In February this year, five ladies from the Russian punk-rock band ‘PussyRiot’ staged a protest movement against the re-election of Vladimir Putin. They performed their “Punk Prayer” in a cathedral of the Russian Orthodox Church located in Moscow and after a few minutes were escorted out by guards. Three of the members of the band have since been sentenced and imprisoned with charges against them as pathetic as “Hooliganism”.

It is absolutely horrific that freedom of speech can just be disregarded so easily, especially considering how important it is. Of course we all know how important it is to be able to speak freely but to think that there are people who are actually in a position of power who feel otherwise, as if though they have the right to not only take it away but serve punishment aswell.

So as a way to fight for our freedom of speech, we MUST fight for the freedom of these women. We have to make our voices be heard and ensure that this time they will listen. If we don’t continue this battle, the headline story will become controversy of the past and they will be forgotten. We are the lucky ones in this case & we can express our opinions without the fear of being treated indecently. You can show your support and to follow the news of the happenings of the movement at this address here http://www.freepussyriot.org/. It is so unbelievably important to fight for what we believe in and it is even more important to fight for our voice and the voices of the oppressed. I hope that you will all join me and show your support. Spread the word!

FREE PUSSY RIOT

FREE PUSSY RIOT

FREE PUSSY RIOT

FREE PUSSY RIOT

FREE PUSSY RIOT

Genesis

Usually it is hard for me to say goodbye, but for me this time, it’s good riddance ! My youth thus far has been a bitter battle and fuck yes! life is hard. And I’m not going to continue this post with those common quotes used to motivate people and make them feel better about themselves for a minute or two but instead I am just going to tell you, whoever you may be, who I am and what I am to do. I am going to say good riddance to those vicious memories there inside and welcome a new being. I just cannot continue like this, things must change and here is the most public way I can make my pledge.

Not only would I love to become “better” but I would also love to help my community become better. Ideas are in motion and a lot of planning, goal setting, brain storming, etc. are only to come ahead. I am optimistic but I am not naive, I realise my expedition may be tough at times and I only welcome them! I welcome education as my friend. My desire is to learn all there is to know about everything and anything! Including culture of all kinds; fashion, music, literature, film, visual art, culture from all around our world and the list must go on. I want to connect with others, know their stories, learn their lessons. If we come together and fix those mistakes that people make but are too lost to see any resolution, then we could be on our way to become better for our generation and for those who follow.

To improve on myself will be the half the battle and at times I wish it didn’t have to come to this though it feels exciting to start over again. I am creating this blog to document on the happenings of this Genesis and I only hope that you will come along with me and support me. Today is the day!

Wish me luck ♥!

~ Stephanie Mills

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